Re-Introducing Yourself—After A Life Transition

“Hi, my name is . . . ” This is what we say to one another at the beginning of a new relationship.  We believe introductions should only happen once because upon learning someone’s name, we seemingly know them now and forever.

Life transitions, however, require us to do something strange—re-introduce ourselves to those who already know us. Life experiences change not only us but also how we need those closest to us to know us.  You may need to re-introduce yourself to those closest to you when:

•  A life transition has changed you. Most of us recognize life transitions—marriage, divorce, retirement, loss, caregiving—but we’re not nearly as good at communicating how these experiences change us. It’s scary trying to explain to those we know how we have changed or how different we’ve become as a result of our life encounters. In a time of change, there is nothing more reassuring than knowing we can count on someone whom won’t change. Interestingly, this same expectation—“Don’t change, don’t allow life to change you”—is a standard we only hold for those we know the most. Life’s inevitable transitions require adaptation and reexamination. Memories allow us to find comfort in the nostalgia of who we were, but inviting others whom we are familiar with to be part of our change is essential for reinvigorating relational authenticity.

• A life experience has changed your beliefs and values. Most people think beliefs and values are something we possess and have always possessed. In reality, beliefs and values are always under construction, shaped by our bodies and experiences and relationships. How could an illness not require us to rethink our values? How could our grief for a loved one not inspire us to reprioritize what we view as most important? How could caring for someone we love not impact the way we see and act in the world? Our beliefs and values are fashioned in the image of life’s overwhelming forces. Grief, mourning, love, and care are deep winds of change requiring us to constantly re-align ourselves with our experiences. If life experiences sculpt our beliefs and values, we need not be expected to remain loyal to what we once believed. Instead, we should be prepared to help others better understand who we have become by pointing to the very experiences that shape us. 

• When we feel trapped by others’ expectations of consistency. We know ourselves by how others’ respond to us. We can feel stifled, however, when others’ categories for us no longer fit. Consistency is a prerequisite for relational comfort. We like people who are consistently predictable. But feeling compelled to remain loyal to what others think we are (and should be) is an ongoing relational challenge. Most of the time, we drift away from these relationships because it’s so difficult to tell others how we are no longer who they think we are. Telling others whom we are not—“I’m not like that anymore” and “I don’t believe that anymore”—isn’t nearly as effective as inviting others to see additional parts of ourselves rather than having them make a choice between our old(er) and new(er) selves.

Re-introducing your new self to people you already know doesn’t need to be a formal event. It can be an ongoing process that happens in the micro-moments of everyday conversation and connection. A willingness to allow others to participate in your evolving sense of self will allow you to talk about your experiences and you, simultaneously:

“My experiences caring for my dad has helped me understand something I never knew before . . .”

“I used to believe that . . . but my son’s experiences at school have taught me . . .”

“I used to be so clear about that but after my sister’s death, I can’t help but think that . . .”

The comfort of long-standing friendships is a source of harmony in a world of disruption. To remain authentic to experiences that shape us, we must create bridges that allow change to be a source of connection with those willing to understand how our bodies, beliefs, and values are constantly under construction.  Today, try re-introducing yourself to someone who already knows you, leading with those parts of yourself that will never change but also highlighting the parts of yourself that have been transformed in response to life’s callings.